Softness as Choice, not Survival

SOFTNESS AS CHOICE, NOT SURVIVAL

By Jacqueline Koloski

https://www.connectingwithjacqueline.com/

For much of my life, I operated in my masculine energy, leading, providing, organising, holding everything together. I became “the strong one.” The capable one, the dependable one and the one who didn’t fall apart. Strength became my identity. While that strength built my life and carried me through seasons that demanded resilience, I eventually realised something important: Strength without softness becomes armour. Armour keeps you safe, but it also keeps you guarded. It signals capability, but not always receptivity. Over time, armour can harden into habit, and habit can quietly distance you from your own tenderness.

My growth has not been about abandoning strength. It has been about allowing softness, but only where it feels emotionally safe. There is a profound difference between collapsing into softness because you are afraid of losing someone, and choosing softness because you trust yourself.

Softness born from fear whispers:

“Please don’t hurt me.”

“I’ll bend so you stay.”

“I’ll quiet my needs to keep the peace.”

Softness born from strength says:

“I am open because I choose to be.”

“I can love deeply and still stand firmly.”

“If this no longer feels aligned, I can step back without losing myself.”

That distinction changes everything. When softness is a survival strategy, it often comes with anxiety, over-giving, and self-abandonment. We soften to avoid conflict. We soften to be accepted. We soften because we fear being “too much.”

When softness is a conscious choice, it carries calmness, it carries discernment and it carries power. Perhaps most importantly, it can be withdrawn without drama. Not as punishment, not as manipulation, but as alignment. When behaviour shifts, when respect wavers, when safety erodes, a woman rooted in self-trust does not collapse, she recalibrates, she observes and she adjusts. There is no explosion, no pleading and no chasing. Just quiet strength. This is secure feminine energy. It is not hard, it is not rigid, it is not defensive, it is deeply self-aware.

It knows when to open.

It knows when to pause.

It knows when to walk.

Softness, when chosen, becomes an offering, not a sacrifice.

I invite you to look within as you explore these questions and see what shows up for you: 

In your relationships, have you softened out of fear of losing someone, or from genuine choice? 

Where in your life have you been “the strong one” for so long that softness feels unfamiliar or unsafe?

Does your strength feel integrated or does it feel like armour?

When you open your heart, does it come with anxiety or calmness?

If someone’s behaviour changed tomorrow, would you feel able to withdraw your softness without guilt or collapse?

What does emotional safety actually feel like in your body?

Are you allowing yourself to be both powerful and tender or do you believe you must choose one?

I’ll leave you with this:

I honour the strength that carried me here.

I release the armour that no longer serves me.

I allow myself to be powerful and tender.

I soften where I feel safe.

I stand firm where I do not.

My openness is not weakness, it is discernment. My love is not desperation, it is choice. I trust myself to know when to open, when to pause and when to walk away. I do not collapse to be chosen. I choose and in that choosing, I remain whole.