Addiction

Addiction

By Anthem Sandoval
(https://www.facebook.com/anthem.hill.7?mibextid=LQQJ4d)

A few years ago my husband was in the hospital after getting diagnosed with cirrhosis. He was only 30 years old.

Addiction will take everything from you.

I lost jobs, friends, respect, time, relationships, my sanity, and almost my life.

Then I watched it start to slowly kill my husband. The suffering he endured because of his liver giving out was horrific. I still get a panicked feeling when I’m in a hospital. The memories and the trauma of going through something like that with him still haunts me.

There is such a glamor associated with alcohol, with the party world in general. In rehab the first few days, it’s all about telling your story, the wild parties, epic nights, the way the world would sparkle when the drugs started peaking.

In the beginning it does feel glamorous. I remember being 21, wearing my little skirts, feeling on top of the world. We would take shots and I’d feel like a different person. I wasn’t shy and awkward anymore I was outgoing and people liked me. The drugs would make me feel loved and connected. For the first time I felt comfortable in my own skin. That time in my life was incredible.

After awhile though, I stopped being able to control it. I didn’t want to give up that feeling, the relief, and go back to feeling anxious and exhausted all the time. I started drinking during the week nights. Then I started drinking at work, filling up soda bottles with hard liquor. Doing harder drugs whenever I could get my hands on them.

A week into rehab and all those glamorous adventures would fade and the truth about how addiction had destroyed us would come out. It’s like those movies where the man is lost in the desert and sees this mirage of a beautiful oasis. He starts desperately running towards it only to find that there is nothing but sand and death in front of him.

I kept running towards what I thought was relief but in reality was actually killing me. It’s all an illusion. You feel like you are getting to a better place but you are only destroying yourself. You cannot use on a regular/daily basis without serious consequences. One day you wake up and can’t get out of bed without a fix and the road back is a long one.

I love the quote about healing out loud to help those who are suffering in silence. It’s why I started to talk publicly about all this. It’s been 15 years since this monster came into my life. I know millions of other people are struggling themselves or watching someone they love go through it. We have to talk about it. We have to end the stigma so people feel like they can come forward and get help.

I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I went through with my addiction or my husband’s addiction and liver disease. It’s a dark cloud but when we tell our stories we help the light come through. Don’t be afraid to get help, to be open about what is happening, you are not alone.